Choose Your Family
In my last post, we discussed the importance of focusing on giving back to the community, and we stressed that this was to be practiced with strangers as well as friends and family. Well, now I want to zero in on the family part of that equation; husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, sons, and daughters, and the endless list of extended relatives as well as friends and mentors. The fundamental unit of society is not the individual, it is the family. They make you who you are, and to invest in them is to invest in yourself.
Focus Outward
You may be thinking, “Now hold on a second Chris, I thought this was a series about becoming the best version of me… not making other people happy.” The truth is, it’s both. A successful career achieved for your own monetary gain won’t fulfill you, because there is always another buck to be made and another upgrade to earn. How many Hallmark Christmas movies with the exact same plot do you need to watch before it hits you? The best version of you will not appear if all you focus on is you. Pour into others and watch your life be filled with and shaped by their joy. Who better to pour into than your family? The people who made and continue to make you who you are. The ones who have always been there and hopefully always will be there.
So, whenever you’re confronted with a choice that is essentially between your own advancement and your relationship with someone close to you, choose the relationship because that is what will last. Consider your options carefully. It can be easy to select a relationship-damaging option without knowing it. A choice between text and don't text, stay or move farther away, ask or don't ask, can be incredibly influential, even if the relationship is already a healthy one.
Make Friends
Now, it is the sad truth that many people come from broken families and everyone suffers from broken relationships. If that’s you, don’t let those circumstances define you or stop you from becoming the best version of you. If you don’t have a family then now is the time to make one. Friends are the family that you find and choose to stay with. Find people that you trust and who trust you and that you can love without reservation. Make connections that will last for a lifetime. I know I might sound like your nagging mom on the first day of school, but making friends might just be as important as she made it out to be.
The trouble is, it will probably be more difficult than it was in Pre-K. Making deep meaningful connections will take hard work and commitment. Friendship, true friendship, is hard to come by. It’s not something you can force, but you must be open and ready. It is one of the greatest gifts life can give. I have found my friends to be my biggest supporters and encouragers throughout my life. If you already have friends like these then don’t take them for granted. Cherish them and always be ready to give of yourself for their benefit.
Practice Remembrance
Regardless of your current relationship with your family, your friends, or your mentors, you did not get to where you are all by yourself. No matter how independent and self-reliant you consider yourself to be, someone had to do something for you along the way. Whatever that was, whether it was mentioning your name in the right room, giving you a place to rest your head, or donating to your cause, remember it and be grateful. Remember the sacrifices that were made for you by your parents, your mentor, or whoever your chosen family turns out to be. As soon as you start believing that you did it all on your own and that you can continue to do so, you will hit a wall. Always remember, as you celebrate victories and all the results of your hard work, that you wouldn’t have gotten there without those nearest and dearest you.
The next step is if at all possible, to thank these people and to choose to support and love them as they pursue their own endeavors. Keep those relationships strong and encourage a dynamic of mutual respect, edification, and the shaping of each other into the people you’re meant to be together in the community.
Be a Safe Haven to Others
Don’t let your connections be simply those of utility. This is not a one-way street made of people for you to walk all over. If you want the benefits then you should be ready to give what you can. Others feel alone and are lost within themselves too. Be someone who can be relied upon to listen carefully, comfort gently, and protect actively. We all know what rejection feels like and how crushing it is to be ignored. Become the person who would never inflict that kind of pain. The best version of yourself is the kindest version of yourself.
This is not me telling you to be a doormat. Just as you don’t deserve to walk all over others, others don’t deserve to walk all over you. Boundaries are important, believe me, but don’t mistake a brick wall with barbed wire at the top for a boundary. The best way to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings is communication. Part of choosing your family is choosing to talk to them. If either party doesn’t feel comfortable expressing themselves then something has gone amiss. Choose to keep doors open and welcome mats out. Be a safe space for those closest to you.
Conclusion
In short, as I have reiterated again and again, the best version of you cannot exist without others’ support and the best support comes from friends and family. So choose them. Choose them in joy and sadness, peace and madness, and let them be your anchor. Choose to look beyond yourself, to be open to the love of others, to remember it, and to give it back when you can.
